What do I want to be?

What a convoluted question, especially when you are married, with three kids, and in a career. The thought of figuring out what I want to do with my life is such an enormous undertaking that it puts my mind in fight and flight mode; always thinking about the question, but always fleeing from processing the thoughts. No matter how much I avoid having to think about it, the more I find myself feeling empty, which then forces me to just deal with it. Hence, here I am… writing.

So I have to start from the beginning. For as long as I can remember, as a young girl my dream was to become a doctor. There is not a time in my life that I can reflect on and not see myself as a doctor. My parents always encouraged it and maybe even planted the seed for the desire of being a doctor. I pursued that desire, nourished it, facilitated it, and eventually made it a reality.

Fast forward 28 years, here I am a “doctor.” I have been out in the field practicing for almost 7 years and truth be told it was a tough journey. One filled with many nights of crying, countless sleepless days, frustration, fear, anxiety, etc…

I cannot seem to separate my desires and my career

what do I want out of life?

The demands and the stress are so high and so overwhelming

I cannot seem to wrap my mind

The depth of my soul seems so filled with

What does my world need right now? This question is filled with so much emotion and meaning to the point that it has no true answer. As I sit in MY house, on MY floor, in MY bedroom, I find myself feeling lost and somewhat incomplete. But, WHY?? I finally own a house of my own that I love, which all that I have wanted, except the upgrades lol, but still a great foundation. I am a doctor; a career I have always aspired for and have accomplished. I have three wonderful sons; a family that I have always wanted. I have a phenomenal/supportive husband that I could not have conjured up myself. I have a family that loves and adores me; a blessing. Everyone is healthy, by the grace of God. So, what now? Someone once told me that humans are never content and every time we obtain a goal or higher level, we continue to want more and we are not ever satisfied nor content. Is that so? Am I that person? As I ponder these questions, I hear my husband’s voice and he says do you know what you want for real? If you do not know yourself, then how could you know what brings you happiness/joy. Wow! Mind blown! So, then does that mean that most people don’t know who they are and that is why we seem to always be searching or moving on to something new. I will say that in my life, I have always just been in survival mode and have never truly stopped to wonder what I am doing, why I’m doing it, and what exactly am I working towards. What is the plan? Now, so late in my life I find myself feeling stressed, overwhelmed, questioning things, and most of all having doubt about the path I have chosen. Why is that? Is this the norm? Well, I will tell you that I am starting the journey and one thing I realize is that I am working so hard to provide for my family that I am missing out on my kids growing up… which then poses the question, then what am I doing. My children just want their parents around and they want to spend time with us. Obviously, I can’t just quit my job and be home , but there has to be a better way. What does that look like? Man, this adulting thing is tough and no one prepared my husband and I for this, but then again, was anyone ever prepared for this life journey. So many thoughts and questions and emotions that circulate around this topic. Is any of this real or worth it? I just want to love on my kids and be there for them!! If I understood what the parenthood journey looked like, would I have made different decisions in my life? Maybe? Maybe not? I truly don’t know; however, what I do know is that I have wonderful little human beings that are depending on me and I need to give them what they need, which is TIME. Every parents struggle is how to give that time daily. So my question of , what does my world need right now, is truly a convoluted question with no set answer. What do I not need right now?